If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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