I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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