i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
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all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
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I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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