Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
