Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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