guys are only as good as the porn they watch
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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