"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
