there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
