Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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