my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
