I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
