Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
