Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
