Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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