The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
