i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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