just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
