two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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