In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
