saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
organizing the empties. That sober.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
