Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
