I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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