So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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