I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
