He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
