I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
