"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
