saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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