Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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