She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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