fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
