We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."