Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.