dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.