I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
No idea. I blame fireball.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.