I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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