i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
