You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
