I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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