What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
you had me at cake vodka
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
