If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize