guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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