I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
