drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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