trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
