Your mouth is God's brothel.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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