You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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