My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
