Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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