Your face is a jimmy john
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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