I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
