I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
