Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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