I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
