Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
