Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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