remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
