i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
