I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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