Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
