But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
