Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
