Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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