Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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