Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
