I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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