This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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