maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
