i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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