Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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